Collector & Painted

Collector~

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect me pulling me nearer
Do I really look as bad as you paint me
Confused with the undertones of mass uncertainty
Is this really the point of the life that I've lead
This other calling haphazardly trying to force me to believe what I've read

I can't be moved, like a rock for the grind
Waiting for a collector to find
And remove this over dramatized, romanticized thorn in my side
Because I can't see clearly, is it a forest or a simple tree
Because I can't see clearly, between desire and need

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect me pulling me nearer
A force to be reckoned with
Dismal, yet loyal
Not waiting on the real world to come and spoil
All of my true plans, I know it would latch on to

The morning always comes too soon
Waking me with rays of sunlight
Piercing my sensitive eyes
It's always hard to let you go
It's always hard to send you home
And we covet things we unknowingly know are easily obtained with mere words
Because we're afraid of the sound of rejection
We'd rather scratch deeper into the infection
Instead of investing in some medicine

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect my pulling me nearer
And I wait for the collector to make it all clearer

Painted~

And the night took me into it
Held me against the brick walls
Whenever I'm with you all else fades away
And I'm alone in a peaceful flurry of happy
Colored with pastels in a vision of petals
Forgetting the rest of my circumstances

Under the scrutiny of a spotlight
I've officially tanned under the rays
Wanting it pointed anywhere but at me
Feeling the pulse of my nerves
Wondering where you could be

Like the ghost in my life you keep haunting me
I'll never enjoy the cold
I'll never enjoy the uncertainty, but it does keep me on my toes
And you're never there
And you're never loosed
You are just a story painted into the walls
Even now I am not sure which parts were lived
And which were fabricated

Call me what you will
Call me the one who tried
Call me the one who lied
I can't say I wouldn't be surprised
I am not the girl we all see in the mirror
Not that I am more, Not that I am less
Just the girl vying for a little understanding
And to get this weight off her chest

As it Goes

I copped out on the name, because I couldn't think of a good one. So readers, if you see something that makes you think of one that fits your fancy, please let me know!! :D

Juggling like you have nothing better to do
What're your tools today?
Knives? Flowers? Fire Sticks? Love?
And there was never a time when I felt you should be more serious than now
But it isn't your style
And your wink only makes it clearer

I'm on the outside looking in again
Pretending what it would feel like to hold you beside the fireplace
Wrapped in only blankets, listening to softness of your voice

But it will never be, and it's probably not as good as it would seem
And I take my chances, swallowed whole with a glass of cold water
You don't feel anything that exudes from me
Because your life now ain't it great
And I can't keep your "good things going for you" straight
But I'm sure they're piled high on your plate
And here I'm eating my pain, here I am choking on my pain

Let's recall the memories of you and I
Talking just to hear ourselves converse
Loving my laugh; loving your warm hand
And it's hard to believe it's over
But I am glad you're free
I'm glad you're happy
And maybe peace is all I'll need

You don't feel anything that exudes from me
Because your life now ain't it great
And I can't keep your "good things going for you" straight
But I'm sure they're piled high on your plate
And here I'm eating my pain, here I am choking on my pain

Boxes Piled High

I watched them drive away
As young as she looked when she hugged me goodbye
Carefree with a touch of apprehension
And he wouldn't meet my eye

The boxes were piled in the back seat, so I couldn't see them as they drove away
And I knew I would miss this, and the empty creaks in the house we all lived in
Would drive me up the wall
All alone
And you promised to write
And you promised to call
And you promised it would all last

Months come, and months go
Rain, heat, Summer, snow
I didn't hear from her after several months
And I worried
As I walked in the empty rooms I could not refill with any sense of delight

And they drove away with the boxes piled
The end of Spring had come and it was time
He couldn't look me in the eye
Or he wouldn't look me in the eye
And I should've known then it was the end of an era

And you promised to write
And you promised to call
And you promised it would all last

Months come, and months go
Rain, heat, Summer, snow
And I heard a knock
There she was shivering
Looking nervous
Staring at my mouth and not my eyes
And I saw what her make-up couldn't hide
And I brought her in and told her that I loved her
And I pulled her close, just wanting to hold her
And make it all better
Hot chocolate and an old sweater

He was a hit and run
And she was too young
To know better
And we'd all been there
In one form or another
As she talked her voice came back down
Her eyes became focused
And I told her we'd get through this
I knew we'd get through this

Month come, and months go
And now there's 3 in the house again
And luckily he's not the the spitting image of him
But he's beautiful, and he's tough
And his mother looks at him with so much love
And we know we've made it past
And we know we're free at last

The house is how it should be
Filled with delight

Satisfy me

You've asked so many things
Yet I hold on to your heart
You try to walk, but I never let you stray out of my eye sight
Even in the camouflage
Even when I don't want you, I simply want you to want me
And we bled internally for one another
Because we can't ever be forward enough to bother

Blinded by the lightening strikes; I am fickle again
I could go either way, because what I really want is always unavailable
Someone's always sold out
Of this vital ingredient
So this cupcake will do until I find my slice of pie
And hopefully the pie will be ready and it will satisfy me

Am I still sorry for these awful decisions I am making?
Or do I chalk it up to my authority?
Will it just be my life's testimony?
Or will it end up destroying me?

Take me or leave me
But if you leave I'll be devastated
But I've broken hearts before
So I can't say it isn't deserved
And I would never guilt someone as beautiful as you
And when you come around I promise to wear blue

Please to hold
Please to let go
Please to love
Please, please me
Live and let it be free
Hold you, hold me
Bring me to eternity
Because I miss you, I miss you, miss me

Someone's always sold out
Of this vital ingredient
So this cupcake will do until I find my slice of pie
And hopefully the pie will be ready and it will satisfy me

Remember & Clouds

Hi friends! I know I haven't written any lately. The first one I started several days ago, but only finished today. The second one was all today. Oh, well technically yesterday. Hope you like. I haven't really even re read them since I wrote them. Hopefully the first one flows seeing it was written possibly with two different moods! lol* :)

Remember~

Remember the memory of youth
And I remember how I held you
Always made it better even when it wasn't
And now it isn't my place and I don't want it to be better
I just want it to be different

And I've come to the conclusion I will never be good enough
You need patience just to look me in the eye
I'm quite the wild woman
I don't even remember what it was like to be tamed
Like a wild horse held by reins always looking to escape
Now I jump at the slightest movement

So could you understand that
When it comes down to it
Could we focus on the underlying meaning
The trials will never cease unless we learn and endure
And I've offered up the remainder of who I am
For you to accept as what I have

And I am open to all the conversing
Even the mundane sounds of our tired voices
As we drift off into the night, not exactly making snse
But not quite delusional
But maybe, I am delusional for you
Maybe you are out of my grasp

And I've come to the conclusion I will never be good enough
You need patience just to look me in the eye
I'm quite the wild woman
I don't even remember what it was like to be tamed
Like a wild horse held by reins always looking to escape
Now I jump at the slightest movement

But you could change me in a heartbeat with just a simple comfort

Clouds~

The brush stroke of the painter was mesmerizing
It was as though he knew all I had been through
All that I was, and then vivid colors depicted the spirit child that I was
Moving seamlessly through this life path I like to call home
And my head is always in the clouds where I would make my heaven

Sunsets in orange, yellow, and red cover up my head
I hide myself in them
My eyes connecting and wondering where the rest of me would rest
If I had to choose
Rest alone sounds like a peaceful plan
When I'm always thinking of my next personal stand

I would like to be more dependent than independent for maybe a day
A simple catering to my personality
But the world's too crowded to fall into the same routine
And I've never been good at causing a scene
Not that I wouldn't if it had merit or benefit

And we all connect in a way that makes us vulnerable
Even the thickest skin can shed if the right words are thrown around
But I'll just take my elusive clouds, live on them and watch the world's colors change
So don't forget me when I'm gone
Just know I am comfy on my cloud
And never too far away
My heaven clouds
Creating my own

Uncut & Down, Down

Sorry it's been awhile. Had password problems. Every time I tried to change my info to gmail it refuses me. I would really like to change it, because it would be easier. Siiiigh. Anyway, new ones!

Uncut~

Classified in the classifieds as something more than you pay me for
And the distance we keep drawing in imperfect lines in the sand have shown me up
And the loneliness drives me into the arms of the windy nights that never satisfy
Because with him so far away how can anything satisfy my needs

And I know you've already forgotten what I brought out in you
Good and bad, because I know I fell for you for you
And loved you imperfections and all

You're my closest memory and you stagger in at one a.m.
And I get to drinking just to block that hole you left in your wake
It goes down harsh, but it's deserved because I can't move on
I curl up in the arms of the windy night knowing it can't satisfy

Foolishly I cling to a memory I've probably doctored a thousand times
Knowing you are everything I know could never be placed in front of me
Because I'm aching for the emperor's platter, but I'm stuck in a buffet line
You're a diamond and I'm the rough, or the uncut ruby, rugged but possibly beautiful
Just undiscovered

I look the part, act the part, of a damsel
But you were just in more distress than I
And who was I to upstage your needs?
So I am now classified in the classifieds as something more than is seen by the naked eye
But what you are missing with your eyes is the most important
It's the clearest, but I'm left out of focus
And why would you waste your time with me?

Down, Down~

Take it down a notch
Take it down a little further
Because I can't take your squeal
I can't take your angry peal
And this fighting is just over-whelming

And I see it going down, down
Fading into the carpet with words of anger
Words that seep and can't be taken back
And colors swell in the corridor

I see it as pointless and vain
I see you just want attention for your pain
And I am unwilling to stroke the willing ego
Any, any more
Because it's a waste of time

Please take it down another notch
I'm starting to see things
And my head is spinning
And the room is reeling with your stubborn mask
Of making it your solitary task
Of ruining me

And I see it going down, down
The end is near
And the carpet is soaked with beer
Because you couldn't take no more
And I am a mean, mean woman
And you are an angry bore

I let you make believe you made me happy
Because I didn't want to lose you into the night
Foolish, because I needed that space I was unwilling to give myself
Because when you're around all we do is fight

Sunflower

I put on my best for you
A sundress yellow to match my hair
And I would fly into your arms
If I felt it would mean anything
As quickly as my legs would carry me unless you resist me

I met you on that summer day with a sunflower in my hands
I was carrying it around like a fool
Just to remind me of someone else
Who had been gone for so long
And who were you to appear all rugged in front of me
Asking the obvious, "Why does such a tiny girl carry such a big flower?"

I put on my best for you
A blue pair of high heels to match my eyes
My sweetest smile
Hiding my brokenhearted eyes behind a sparkling pair
I didn't want you to know how hurt they had been

I met you on that summer day with a sunflower in my hands
I was carrying it around like a fool
Just to remind me of someone else
Who had been gone for so long
And who were you to appear all rugged in front of me
Asking the obvious, "Why does such a tiny girl carry such a big flower?"

Free to fly, free to run
Carefree
Free to be me
When you look at me
But still I color coordinate my world to suit you
Too suit the pursuit of your happiness
Because I want to be what you want

Further & Left Alone in the World

Further~

I fell from the sky and straight into your lap
You caught me like a fire fighter looking a little confused
And you were beautiful in my eyes
Maybe just because you rescued me
Or maybe because if I hadn't fallen you would be unattainable

And I touch every part of you
Prying as best as I can into your thoughts
And they don't make much sense to me
But I figure one day they may

You brought the music back into my heart
And then faded away like a beautiful sunset
Tell me the truth
Why can't I have a bigger piece of you?

I stood in the bar my eyes searching for you
In the midst, in the perfection of dim lighting and beer pitchers
But you wouldn't make your way to me
Because there were just too many distractions
Too many brighter and better than me

I wish I could paint
I'd paint your beauty on a canvas
In stone blues, grays, and blacks
Like you're further away than I can imagine

I fell from the sky into your strong arms
And now I beg you not to drop me
I should take you in
In my heart
In my dreams
Deeper & Deeper into me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Left Alone in the World

I asked her what the truth was
On the wrong day
Her day of reckoning
And her answer left me spinning where I stood
She said it was simple
And complicated all at the same time
It was a busy world
That wouldn't slow down
And couldn't end well
With all the fighting that was going on and on

He had left her all alone
Once more
And she couldn't function without him
Not yet, not in the here and now
All she could see was his face
All she could remember was the look he'd given her as he turned to shut the door
The intensity in his eyes
Grabbing at the strings attaching her heart to his fingers
She felt alone
She felt torn
She felt alive with ache
At least she felt something

Dealing with my own depravity
I asked what it all meant
And she laughed at me bitter
yet, still sweet
Her harmony was more than I could take

Life isn't easy here
Life isn't deeper than you can make it
She was speaking riddles and as of yet I barely understood
I just knew there was more, more than she could say
More than she could see

Left there when he was far
She was unable to move on
Not being lead
I held her hand, just because I saw she needed it
I let her sit there and cry
I let her sit there and cry
Drank our sorrows over the disappointment with tea and sympathy

Life isn't easy here
Life isn't deeper than you can make it
She was speaking riddles and as of yet I barely understood
I just knew there was more, more than she could say
More than she could see

2 new ones :)

Ballet Toes

When I make a movement the world looks up
And I never know how perfect I flow
Until someone tells me
And then I feel like a china doll
Begging you to be gentle and not break me

Lilac dreams cloud my memory
Porcelain hands, so pale, reaching
And I twirl slowly like a ballerina
On tiptoes, spinning, balanced on top of a jewelry box
One, two, One, two
Steady

When I make a movement the world looks up
So many eyes and I am self-conscious
I try to block them out and only look at your eyes
Encouraging
And then I feel like a china doll
Begging you to be gentle and not break me

And my body flows in and out
Graceful even when I feel so clumsy
Knowing you would certainly like to catch me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New

Beautifully youthful
Still unaffected by the harshness of the world
And I miss when I was a girl
Like you, so innocent, so full of hope
And sometimes I glimpse that girl in me again
Giggly, wiggly, looking for the best things

Who will I talk to now? Now that you've moved on?
Who is going to understand where I come from?
There was a connection that sang to my very bones
And I would like to keep hearing the tune

I want to scream on the top of my lungs
For all to hear
And know just how peaceful I feel
Lying here, happy, just listening to the sweet sounds of the world
And you only see me as sad, never as hopeful
Just a struggle to the new
Just a struggle to the new

Keep playing your song over me
You turn to me, and we just know
We just feel it ooze over us
Taking over our hearts
Playing like guitar strings in perfect tune
Just a struggle to the new
Forgetting the old
Just a struggle for the new

Searching

Sorry it's been awhile. I was writing something the other day and before I could finish it the whole thing was deleted and I felt it was my best work in awhile. So I took a week to be sad about it, but today decided I needed to get something down on paper. I don't like it as much as other works, but it has some good parts! :)

Searching

There were words floating above us
Some seemed so attainable
Like you could reach up and there they would be
Taken for the touch, the taste, the satisfaction
In knowing if we wanted to we could make it better

There was no goodbye again
It was just a here and then disappear
And you would think I would get used to it
As it keeps happening
But at first I thought you were different
But you were the same I was just convincing myself of lies

And I blended in with the carpet
My feet, my hands, gentle bristles people could dig their toes into
Cross me with their muddy boots
But I liked it that way, because I didn't know any other way
Not around it, not through it, was just it

I miss the rain
The heat of it that could soak me to the bone
Soak me to my soul
Remind me that things can always anew
Like when the sun returns after a mysterious journey
Always happy to see it again

And the Loneliness likes to crawl into my sheets at night
And I hear her giggle beside me
Clear as a bell, but as menacing as you might think
I can't help but want to reach out only to find air
Air that's too stifling to breathe
But I can't seem to ask her to leave

I miss the rain
The heat of it that could soak me to the bone
Soak me to my soul
Show me the light at the end of the tunnel
Because my bones are sore and my eyes are tired from searching

Growing Up

We're all standing in a row
In our Spice Girl finest
Arms folded
Lemonade stand
Making our first dollar

And they call us gawky, young
But never lazy
Chewing on our bubble gum
Looking at the boys like they're crazy
Maybe the jewelry is gaudy
But they still think we are the hotties
Independent girls
With our fake pearls
And giant hoop earrings

We're all standing in a row
Looking like Gwen Stefani
Holding on to cosmos
Grown ups in heels
Making deals
With our eyes and red lipstick
We still look at the boys like they're crazy
Through all the smoke that makes the room hazy
Bad ass chicks through and through
Knowing what our mamas taught us was true

Hardened hearts caused by the world
Searing thoughts; makes your head twirl
We traded in our sugar and spice
We don't have to settle to always being nice
Make 'em work for it
Make 'em talk for it
Make 'em show us they ain't the same old show
Make 'em say, "Baby one day you'll know"

Three women standing in a row
Looking like Audrey Hepburn
Hair up in twists
Sipping on martinis
One olive, two olive
No one is an alcoholic
But the men are all the same
And this lifestyle's getting lame
Trying to decipher who's real; who's not
And we simply, just simply got
To be moving along
Because our classiness doesn't belong

We've made 'em work for it
We've made 'em talk through it
They've said what they had to say
And it's the same thing anyway
It's alright if you want to stay and play
but we've got better places to be anyway
Yes, we always have better places to be anyway

Vulnerable ~Me

Creating the chaos
That accompanies my life in yours
And I found you there
Looking a little like a puppy
Lost and vulnerable
But oh, so beautiful

I couldn't tell any different
Because my eyes were filled with yours
And the tears were streaming and we were brought closer
In an instant
In a moment
In a prick of a needle
Our blood melded
Making us one
Making us none
None in a million

Could this be the beginning
Of something
Young, old, new, bold
Standing on the old soap box
Preaching that same old song
To the same people gullible enough to take it in

But I'm feeling love can only come once this lifetime
And I can't be all too sure it's our time
So I keep my struggles moving on
Until I have the perfect words to feel the beat of his song
And it's not getting any easier
With the timing always being off
But the sun I know will come back up
Even if it never rises for me
I always see it fade away
Past the ocean
Past the tides
Past this ache in my sides

And I found you there
Looking a little like a puppy
Lost and vulnerable
But oh, so beautiful

Walk By My Side

I'm trading this life for another mistake
Another empty hole in my chest
Just the right size for a bullet
I'm a piece of tender; a cutlet

Why are you so far away
In every way
And I need you to catch up
I need you to want the chase
But it's unfair of me
And I'm not that person
And you're not in the place to do any of the chasing

You have your own wounds
And there's no way for me to be your band aid
Not without needing a tourniquet of my own
At least you're honest
Even though I like clinging to the lie
Wishing you would hurry up
Catch up
And walk by my side

And I choose to be blind
Because it suits me
Until it bruises me
And then I'm left in my own wake
Knowing it's my own damn fault
A little shaken
A little worse for my wear
A bit much, some lonely
Seeking a quick fix; a remedy

And I question my motives
And I question the timing
And I question the tides
And I question yours
And I question mine

You have your own wounds
And there's no way for me to be your band aid
Not without needing a tourniquet of my own
At least you're honest
Even though I like clinging to the lie
Wishing you would hurry up
Catch up
And walk by my side

Spoons

The spoons are lying on the table
Face up
Untouched
Unloved
And I'm deep
I am deeper than you know

And I believe I miss people more than they miss me
Maybe it's just my sentimentality
For all the connections in this small world we make
For how many breaths we share
During the duration of a day
And how many of us just take and take

Standing at the end of the pavement
Looking down the street
Sullen girl with tangled hair
Wondering where her friends are
The tea party all ready
The spoons all shiny
Untouched
Unloved

Don't you know the end is near
So screams the homeless man at the end of the block
Maybe it's just the end of sanity
And I wonder what it would be like to be him
Smelly, nervous, always ranting a conspiracy theory
Doesn't know where his next meal will come from
But if he wouldn't soil my floor I would ask him to tea
Just can't have my mother mad at me

Baby blues scanning the rows of cars whizzing by
And I may give up soon
As the sun melts away
And I'm lonely again
For the birds are nesting and quieting down for a long nap
The ants are still busy
Too busy for me

The spoons are lying on the table
Face up
Untouched
Unloved
And I'm deep
I am deeper than you know

Happy Feet

Happy feet
Sing with me
Slide around on our socks
A child's play
A secret conversation
Whispered Giggles fill our senses

And I feel your arms around my waist
Hold me tight
Feeling my tiny frame
Skin so soft
Heart a melting rock
Pretty face
Stand in place
Admiration in both our eyes

And I know ultimately you have nothing to offer me now
But good food, warm bed, comical conversation
And maybe that's all we need
A fellow kindred spirit
Maybe that's all we need
An uncommon lyric

Maybe it's too soon
Hopefully not too late
And I want to demonstrate what I've learned
But I can't see you drifting
And giving my life any more meaning

Am I being foolish, letting you hold me?
Should I more easily pull away
But there's just something
Just something there
At the very edge
Scratching on the surface
Of my mushy brain
It's driving me insane
Because you are the highlight of my day

Happy feet
Sing with me
Guide me to that place
Look me face to face
Eye to eye; Toe to toe
See how our river will flow
Through mountains
Becoming ice
Solid
Firm
Cold
We don't always do as we're told

Our Garden

I tried, and I tried, and I tried
And there you came at the perfect moment
To bring this time into perspective
And I will miss it when we know each other better
And the newness wears off
Because the beginning is so exciting
And discovering each of your characteristics is such fun

So tell me when you saw me for the first time
Really saw me for who I was, not just the color of my eyes
Knew apple was my favorite juice
And the color of my giggle against your chest

I could go into hours of dialogue with you
And then we will not know where the minutes got lost
In a paper cup? In a tunnel deep? In the you and the me?

I could sing straight to your bones
Vibrate against your vertebrae.
Tell you the sweet nothings of this life that keeps traveling too quick for us to catch up
Do you like the way we move to the beat of a Russian drum
The sound that brings the world together

The garden growing the shrubs of love, intelligence, and freedom
Is where we take our walks
Where we share our best talks
Hand in hand
Spirit to Spirit
Soul to Soul
Toe to Toe

Don't ever change
Because if you were someone else
We would not have been drawn together
And then we would be apart, still trying to find our own way
Most likely still unhappy
But you make me happy in these few days of learning
But you make me happy with your listening, understanding
In our created garden growing love, intelligence, and freedom