Dad, Missed ~Me

When I think of you it makes me cry
Even after over a decade of you being gone
Your life held so many mysteries to me
Your death will never have those cleared up

And I loved you
Wonder now if I disappointed you
Or would you be proud I made it through without too many bruises

I wish I could've known you in some depth
Could I be a different person if you are still here
Answers left unsaid
Questions left just that, unanswered questions

You left so much behind, could you see it then
As you took your last breath
Was I there, was I ever there?
Somewhere in your mind did you question your decision
As you faded into the afterlife

And I loved you
I still do
You changed my world
But so young I had no idea
Wish for one more day to explain

Gone, gone, long gone
And I will never know you
I wish just to sit with you and talk some Hitler
Talk History, with the elusive man who gave me life
And then took his own

I have you in me
Your eyes, your quiet sensibilities, your reading technique
Your history love, Your fight or flight nature
We could've been allies
We could have had better ties

And I miss you
And I love you
I wish I could have you
One more day
Dad
One more day
To tell you, "Don't"
Dad

Escape and Trinket

Escape~
See this pot?
It could be a flower pot
Could be a lovely piece of pottery
Or it could be just another thing for you to piss on

Piss or get off my pot
Because I can't tell you how tired I am of waiting
To see where the holes in your jeans are
Are you a doer, or do you want it all done for you
Are there holes in the knees or on your seat

And you're a curious beast
When you're on the outside you only want in
When you're kept inside all you want is some escape
Escape into the big world of possibility
Escape into unimaginable beauty
And I can't selfishly just want you with me

Together neither of us win
But I can't seem to let go
Because without you have I anything?
Because without you would I say anything?

See this pot?
Clay, ceramic, chipped, perfect
I can't wait any longer for it to dry
So I think we all know what this means
Never make you happy
It's just another thing for you to piss on
And then move on
And then move on

Escape into the world of possibility
Escape into unimaginable beauty
Escape, escape from me
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*
Trinket~
I leave the rest of this behind
Leather suitcase
I leave the keys on your side table
My toothbrush packed

And I wonder
Simply
How long it will take you to discover
Totally
That I am missing from your
Pristine
Life of completion

Will you notice my lotion is gone
Will you feel the bed is a little colder
Will you wonder about my razor

Will it be as though I never existed

I leave the rest of this behind
Never to return
Never to look into your crystal blue eyes again
Will I miss you? When I've left you?

Can I become a trophy antidote
For your little parties
A champagne toast
To the girl with most
Or least sense
Because who, who would leave you?

The box you kept me in
Though was shiny
It was a little cramped
Considering the vastness of this world

And I loved you for it
You confused me by it
Kept locked away
A party favor
A trinket

And now will it be as if your little toy never existed?
Is that what happens when little boys break it?
Or the newness wears off?
It just isn't fun anymore is it?

Were You Even There?

This is a little bit more hardcore than I am used to writing, but have gotten good feedback on it :) I can never decide if I really like it lol* I think part of it are awkward, but maybe that's the point...

Were You Even There?Neglected. Hated. Suffacated.
Rewind it to here for just a minute.
It's twisted and hurled, you're emasculated.
And I rented out to the wrong tenant.

But you keep me up nights in the hopes of you returning
Not only in flesh, but some of your confused head.
Because you write so well when you're under pressure.
And I know I need to take care of you better.

Chicken scratch on the apartment walls.
Were you aiming for escape?
Were you driven insane?
Was it you? Was it me?
Was it the nosy neighbor?
Was it that every night we had to kick the heater;
Or freeze our socks off?

Icy blues pierce my soul
But it's good to feel something
Love, hate, listen to you masturbate
These walls are so thin
And we're doing it again
Ignoring the hurt and writing the truth only when we're feeling cooked

Would I change it? Not if it meant losing you.
We're artists. And screw them if they don't understand.
We're moody. You're brilliant. We're clumsy. I'm morbid.
You move in painted strokes. I move like a flinging paintbrush - splattered on the walls.

Always said you'd be the first to go.
I would just linger.
Smelling your scent on your side of the covers.
Swearing I feel your weight sinking like when we were lovers.
But it's like evaporating water.
And it means nothing. And you don't actually mean anything.
Nothing more than the life I give you on paper.

And you're Tragic. Stubborn. Mystic. A Ninja.
A guide to the mapquest...
Experience.
And your laugh is left haunting.
A mocking. A taunting.
A chicken scratch tale on the wall
Cuz' we ran out of time and space.

Interesting Things Come in Three :)

These are my three latest pieces of poetry :)

In the Dark

There were small moments in time when the stories changed
The lullaby coming from mothers' lips no longer seemed to soothe the soul
And the turmoil was deep, and the stars were burning

I held on to the melting candle, ignoring the hot wax molding itself on my fingers
I peered into the darkness, not sure what I was looking for
Unsure of what I might see
But in me was peace
Cold, dark, comfortable peace
Making me shake and shiver
allowing my hair to curtain my face
for some kind of warmth

I was alert my body feeling on edge
Eyes amusedly darker than before
trying to focus on things more clearly
Trying to focus on you
But all I clearly remember is your scent
And the warmth of your touch

This beauty mark is the only thing left original of me
All of me has been stolen, twisted, buried, left ragged
One-fourth a person is left
Abandoned, not so whole, ragged
But still a mystery
That's what keeps them coming back to me

Your eyes are turning black with curiosity
Darker, darker now
But still beautiful
Making it so hard for me to concentrate on my wounds
Nothing but a simple distraction for me
In my times of much need
and I love the ring of your voice like bells

~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~

All in Vain

There's more time to do this later
Unless you just want to get this over
I'm not trying to rush you
Maybe this just can't be finished
Until we both move on

And the devil be damned
And I might just follow
But I am ready to be moving to the next portion of life
Stuck in this awful kind of limbo

But I target your irresistible sense of style
Making things move slowly in my mind
Like a picture so far away that you have to squint to see it
But there's so much more to it all

And I'm longing for some kind of light to dawn in your eyes
Some kind of change to come around
Am I waiting in vain, tell me I'm not waiting in vain

And the devil be damned
And I'm following after
Because I'm trying in vain
You won't tell me any different
I'm trying in vain
And you simply can't tell me any different

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Difference

I met her on the street
And her blue eyes stood on their own
They drew me in, before her words even rested on my ears
But as they reached me
And penetrated me
Because she had so much to say and I could only listen
No retort, just admiration

I tell her she has come at just the right moment
I could not have made it through today without her story
The wind carries our words through the flying newspapers
filled with tales of how America is going down
But she could make such a difference if anyone would listen
But with her hair uncombed in the coming rain
Who would take her seriously?

I met her on the street
We were both moving slowly
Both listening to Life tell us no
But she was already to the point of telling Life where to go
And I am on my track there
Just catch the first greyhound out of here
Follow her trailing words, her flowing crazy hair
Out of, so far out of here

I grabbed my longest skirt
Left my hair unbrushed
And walked out into the sweet smelling rain
Never coming back, not to that left to waste intrigue I called Normal

She came at just the right moment
Then disappeared into the world
And now I can't be sure her hippie bare feet
were anything more than a dream
She could make a difference if anyone would listen
But with her pierced and tattooed body
Who would take her seriously?

the other night i dreamed my ex was trying to have sex with me. he was pulling me close to his chest. i kept squirming, but he wouldn't let me go. I tried to swallow, but instead i threw up ALL over him! kinda an amusing thing to wake up after. :)

Broken

This week a family friend died of cancer. She was like a mother to my little brother, and he is taking it super hard. My brother is 18. I got back from going to the after funeral last night. Having cried just with the thoughts of my brother losing a Mother to him. I have mentioned in my blog that my mother is not good at what she does and both Dylan and I have had our replacement mothers, though we love our biological mother. And his is gone. It breaks my heart for him. I plan on blogging about it at alittletalking... but this is a poem I wrote last night after everything was over. :)

Wishes that breathing came easier
That this whole world wasn't some jumbled mess
Could it make sense for even a moment

Why does it hurt so badly to show affections
before they can no longer be conveyed?
And the pain melts on me Like the colors of M&Ms

This is the time when I want to grab the next person I see and kiss them
Because you never know when it'll be your last
When all hope breaks loose
And you live life for this moment alone

My face is hot from crying
These useless tears
Because they fix nothing
They don't solve world hunger, they don't stop the world from spinning
And they don't bring you back
From the grave

So I throw my arms out, daring someone to grasp them
And fix this, fix the pain, fix anything!

Someone Else

Holding onto you
Where ever we are headed is okay with me
Waiting for your fingers to guide me
Through the forest, dank, dark

Touch me
Because that is all I need
To hear you breathe
I am complete

Shaded by your thoughts over me
Clinging to the release of your "happy"
More secure in your arms 'round me

Nicer like this, freer too
better than when we bicker
Just enjoy each other
In a new capacity
We haven't done before

And these are the words I long to say
Express
Feel
Endure
But they belong to someone else
You are still a legend I am telling
To whomever will listen

Dreamings

In my dream last night I was up at work. (I work at a local coffeeshop) And a girl kept ordering things we did not make. It was her birthday and I felt bad. The last thing she ordered was a coke smoothie. So I went to ask one of the managers, Nick, if he thought I could make it in the smoothie machine. He said it was worth a try, so I went to do that. (Oh and Sweet's had turned into an over sized warehouse.)

But as I walk back over there my bosses' wife motions me over to her. And standing next to her is a retty blonde girl. Who is supposed to be Avery their daughter (now in real life Avery is 2... in dreamland Avery is about 19, and kinda looks like Taylor Swift). She says to me, "Ashley we've decided to move up Avery's wedding date. What is the best way to let people know that?"

At first I can't think of anything, plus I'm still in contemplation of how to make a blended coke float in essence. I mention the wedding section of a newspaper. They look unconvinced. It's February in my dream. So I ask how soon they are pushing it up June wedding? May? I say if they can wait until April or May they could put it in the lifestyles section of the newspaper. They have a huge pullout section just for weddings. Could have a full page article.

My bosses' wife is exciting. Saying Aaron said they could send whatever on it. He mumbles, "I didn't say whatever..."

It flashes nearer to their wedding day. I am still at work.

Suddenly in my dream I feel very upset. Like I can't breathe. I start running down thsi long hall pulling off these black gloves. Feeling panicked. I find a room and rush into it. Throwing my back against it and start to cry. There is nothing in the room but dinge and concrete floors and walls. (kinda looked straight out of Hostel... but no weird torture devices)

Someone else tries to bust through - I yell I'm in here! But feel guilty for crying and keeping the room all to myself. So I open the door. And pretty Avery comes in. "Oh" she says... she looks uncomfortable. I ask her if she's okay. She nods and says she just, "Has nerves." She's in a simple, long, white lacy wedding dress. Her hair down, wavy with a tiara. I hate that I was acting so upset.

Then she crumbles to her knees, missing the trash can (the only thing in the room) and throwing up on the floor. (okay so it kinda reminded me of Shrek-snot) I ask her is she's okay... getting down beside her my hand on her back. She has missed her dress luckily. Se merely nods.

Then I realize. "Are you pregnant? Is that why you moved up the wedding? Oh honey."

"Seven weeks," she says.

I congratulate her and tell her she's going to be beautiful on her wedding day. And then get her up and we walk out of the nasty warehouse room.


I love how the locations of my dreams are so weird. lol* And how I'm always changing Sweet's looks. Last time it was in a sky-scraper and I was flying to the top that had a loft apartment. Last night it was a coffee shop slammed into a Hostel Warehouse. Odd girl.

Tragic

And it breaks my heart
To see you this way
Don't you know you are the music in my head?
And you take it so lightly

But I know every part of you hurts
And so tired you must be
And much too sensitive to deal with me

But there's so much more to me than all this bad luck
And i don't think you will ever see me
For more than a tragedy
I thought for a few months I was so strong
Now I see I was so, so wrong

And you're like a ray of sunshine
Beating up my world of grays
But you won't settle down to brighten up my entire world
Instead you leave me pining for more
And I wish I didn't give you this control

Beautiful, beautiful boy
Settle down for a moment
Give me your eye to eye
I love when you simply hold me
Even though I know it's not me who you see

Tragic
Not a pretty girl
Doesn't want to be a damsel
Not willing to sacrifice
A paper doll
Tinkerbelle
A scarf blowing in the wind
Still a sacrificial lamb off to the slaughter
Waiting for another wolf to grab her

And you, not her prince
But when I look you in the eyes and we come to an agreement
You could stand here and be my sweet frog
Who could even stand a happy ending?

Cynic

Deep in the recesses of my soul lies a broken string
Guitar? Thread? Type writer ribbon?
Who knows
Something is missing. Something is broken.
And there's no one there to fix it.

Tear me up from the inside, because I'm dying to feel something
Don't care if it hurts. Don't mind if it's tender.
Just a little something to show I'm alive.
In case I've been forgotten in this web of life's lies.

Never thought I was so needy
Not until I stopped to actually think
I hate the feeling of neglect
Not that it's anyone's fault
We all move on and usually for the better
Don't stand still when you feel like running
Nothing worse than a restless feeling
Nothing worse than living for dying

Cynic? Me, really? Must have me confused.
No, this is my optimisstic face
See me smiling like there's liquid in my mouth?
Waiting for you to push on my cheeks and make me spit it out

Tired of the "you're so cute"
And never taking me seriously
I'm serious
Seriously malfunctioned
Give some credit
I've beyond earned it

Tired of the "You've been through so much at so young"
So have a lot of people. I'm not special. 
Just stupid. Young. Dumb. Restless. 
Don't praise me... just be glad I've learned something.

Cynic? Me, really? Must have me confused.
Just a girl making her way in the world 
Without taking anyone's Bullshit.