Black Horse

I haven't decided if I am a black horse or a black train
Either way I am headed to hell, through the high water
Clinging to the sanctity of choice
Rising above the candles in sultry light
Always the seducer, ready to be claimed by a seductee
And your fingers intertwined in everything I love

And this is a slow goodbye
Wretched and cold
Ice down my back
I'm turning away from the dark mirror
Before it claims another soul
Because I can't even read my own eyes
Too many thoughts to tame and make right again

It's all fallen and broken to the ground
And you aren't here to help me with the pieces
And so I bleed just to feel something
Just to see what I can control, since I can't control your eyes
I can't make you play guitar against my heart strings
And trick you into still loving me
Because you can lie about your whiskey
But you can't lie about the words that spilt out
When you pulled away from me

The lacey veil I used to cover my eyes
Didn't hide the tears that pulled at my mascara
And dripped across my red lipstick
I wanted so to have you kiss them away
Just to feel some warmth again
Because I feel myself sinking further and further away
From any sense of decency, normalcy, only left opportunity
To become a shadow girl
Without a heart, without a soul
Someone you could never know
Because I would be too ashamed to show you
The real me covered in ivy
Who is left to paddle in her deep misery

The End of Another Unfulfilled Fairy Tale

It has been forever. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore. LoL I have been writing all this time, but I guess hording my poetry. Bad. Bad.

This one is a new one I wrote in a memo on my phone.

I'd hold on to you if I thought you could support my fingernails.
But you can't, or you don't want to
And I am losing grip.
And you are looking out to the distance.

I've tasted your humble pie, because you always leave it cold on the dish.
And I hate its taste, but I refuse to leave it ignored on the plate
And I know as long as I am in the room you have no intention to eat.
Maybe you would like to eat it with someone new.
Someone worth it.

And I just thought after all this time I meant more to you.
And you keep making sure I know I don't rank
and soon you blame it on me
You'll say it was something I said.
And I'll say it was something you ate.
And turn. And it will be no more.

I am getting nothing here but hurt.
And even my dreams are filled with fears of being forever alone.
And I wake up crying, and I wake up cold.
I wake up wishing I had another Lonely Night to creep into his nameless arms and bed.
And forget about your arms, your bed, your confused head.
I still long for you to hold me and tell me I am okay.

I have to end this.

Collector & Painted

Collector~

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect me pulling me nearer
Do I really look as bad as you paint me
Confused with the undertones of mass uncertainty
Is this really the point of the life that I've lead
This other calling haphazardly trying to force me to believe what I've read

I can't be moved, like a rock for the grind
Waiting for a collector to find
And remove this over dramatized, romanticized thorn in my side
Because I can't see clearly, is it a forest or a simple tree
Because I can't see clearly, between desire and need

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect me pulling me nearer
A force to be reckoned with
Dismal, yet loyal
Not waiting on the real world to come and spoil
All of my true plans, I know it would latch on to

The morning always comes too soon
Waking me with rays of sunlight
Piercing my sensitive eyes
It's always hard to let you go
It's always hard to send you home
And we covet things we unknowingly know are easily obtained with mere words
Because we're afraid of the sound of rejection
We'd rather scratch deeper into the infection
Instead of investing in some medicine

Lying here in a pool of my own glitter
You resurrect my pulling me nearer
And I wait for the collector to make it all clearer

Painted~

And the night took me into it
Held me against the brick walls
Whenever I'm with you all else fades away
And I'm alone in a peaceful flurry of happy
Colored with pastels in a vision of petals
Forgetting the rest of my circumstances

Under the scrutiny of a spotlight
I've officially tanned under the rays
Wanting it pointed anywhere but at me
Feeling the pulse of my nerves
Wondering where you could be

Like the ghost in my life you keep haunting me
I'll never enjoy the cold
I'll never enjoy the uncertainty, but it does keep me on my toes
And you're never there
And you're never loosed
You are just a story painted into the walls
Even now I am not sure which parts were lived
And which were fabricated

Call me what you will
Call me the one who tried
Call me the one who lied
I can't say I wouldn't be surprised
I am not the girl we all see in the mirror
Not that I am more, Not that I am less
Just the girl vying for a little understanding
And to get this weight off her chest

As it Goes

I copped out on the name, because I couldn't think of a good one. So readers, if you see something that makes you think of one that fits your fancy, please let me know!! :D

Juggling like you have nothing better to do
What're your tools today?
Knives? Flowers? Fire Sticks? Love?
And there was never a time when I felt you should be more serious than now
But it isn't your style
And your wink only makes it clearer

I'm on the outside looking in again
Pretending what it would feel like to hold you beside the fireplace
Wrapped in only blankets, listening to softness of your voice

But it will never be, and it's probably not as good as it would seem
And I take my chances, swallowed whole with a glass of cold water
You don't feel anything that exudes from me
Because your life now ain't it great
And I can't keep your "good things going for you" straight
But I'm sure they're piled high on your plate
And here I'm eating my pain, here I am choking on my pain

Let's recall the memories of you and I
Talking just to hear ourselves converse
Loving my laugh; loving your warm hand
And it's hard to believe it's over
But I am glad you're free
I'm glad you're happy
And maybe peace is all I'll need

You don't feel anything that exudes from me
Because your life now ain't it great
And I can't keep your "good things going for you" straight
But I'm sure they're piled high on your plate
And here I'm eating my pain, here I am choking on my pain

Boxes Piled High

I watched them drive away
As young as she looked when she hugged me goodbye
Carefree with a touch of apprehension
And he wouldn't meet my eye

The boxes were piled in the back seat, so I couldn't see them as they drove away
And I knew I would miss this, and the empty creaks in the house we all lived in
Would drive me up the wall
All alone
And you promised to write
And you promised to call
And you promised it would all last

Months come, and months go
Rain, heat, Summer, snow
I didn't hear from her after several months
And I worried
As I walked in the empty rooms I could not refill with any sense of delight

And they drove away with the boxes piled
The end of Spring had come and it was time
He couldn't look me in the eye
Or he wouldn't look me in the eye
And I should've known then it was the end of an era

And you promised to write
And you promised to call
And you promised it would all last

Months come, and months go
Rain, heat, Summer, snow
And I heard a knock
There she was shivering
Looking nervous
Staring at my mouth and not my eyes
And I saw what her make-up couldn't hide
And I brought her in and told her that I loved her
And I pulled her close, just wanting to hold her
And make it all better
Hot chocolate and an old sweater

He was a hit and run
And she was too young
To know better
And we'd all been there
In one form or another
As she talked her voice came back down
Her eyes became focused
And I told her we'd get through this
I knew we'd get through this

Month come, and months go
And now there's 3 in the house again
And luckily he's not the the spitting image of him
But he's beautiful, and he's tough
And his mother looks at him with so much love
And we know we've made it past
And we know we're free at last

The house is how it should be
Filled with delight

Satisfy me

You've asked so many things
Yet I hold on to your heart
You try to walk, but I never let you stray out of my eye sight
Even in the camouflage
Even when I don't want you, I simply want you to want me
And we bled internally for one another
Because we can't ever be forward enough to bother

Blinded by the lightening strikes; I am fickle again
I could go either way, because what I really want is always unavailable
Someone's always sold out
Of this vital ingredient
So this cupcake will do until I find my slice of pie
And hopefully the pie will be ready and it will satisfy me

Am I still sorry for these awful decisions I am making?
Or do I chalk it up to my authority?
Will it just be my life's testimony?
Or will it end up destroying me?

Take me or leave me
But if you leave I'll be devastated
But I've broken hearts before
So I can't say it isn't deserved
And I would never guilt someone as beautiful as you
And when you come around I promise to wear blue

Please to hold
Please to let go
Please to love
Please, please me
Live and let it be free
Hold you, hold me
Bring me to eternity
Because I miss you, I miss you, miss me

Someone's always sold out
Of this vital ingredient
So this cupcake will do until I find my slice of pie
And hopefully the pie will be ready and it will satisfy me

Remember & Clouds

Hi friends! I know I haven't written any lately. The first one I started several days ago, but only finished today. The second one was all today. Oh, well technically yesterday. Hope you like. I haven't really even re read them since I wrote them. Hopefully the first one flows seeing it was written possibly with two different moods! lol* :)

Remember~

Remember the memory of youth
And I remember how I held you
Always made it better even when it wasn't
And now it isn't my place and I don't want it to be better
I just want it to be different

And I've come to the conclusion I will never be good enough
You need patience just to look me in the eye
I'm quite the wild woman
I don't even remember what it was like to be tamed
Like a wild horse held by reins always looking to escape
Now I jump at the slightest movement

So could you understand that
When it comes down to it
Could we focus on the underlying meaning
The trials will never cease unless we learn and endure
And I've offered up the remainder of who I am
For you to accept as what I have

And I am open to all the conversing
Even the mundane sounds of our tired voices
As we drift off into the night, not exactly making snse
But not quite delusional
But maybe, I am delusional for you
Maybe you are out of my grasp

And I've come to the conclusion I will never be good enough
You need patience just to look me in the eye
I'm quite the wild woman
I don't even remember what it was like to be tamed
Like a wild horse held by reins always looking to escape
Now I jump at the slightest movement

But you could change me in a heartbeat with just a simple comfort

Clouds~

The brush stroke of the painter was mesmerizing
It was as though he knew all I had been through
All that I was, and then vivid colors depicted the spirit child that I was
Moving seamlessly through this life path I like to call home
And my head is always in the clouds where I would make my heaven

Sunsets in orange, yellow, and red cover up my head
I hide myself in them
My eyes connecting and wondering where the rest of me would rest
If I had to choose
Rest alone sounds like a peaceful plan
When I'm always thinking of my next personal stand

I would like to be more dependent than independent for maybe a day
A simple catering to my personality
But the world's too crowded to fall into the same routine
And I've never been good at causing a scene
Not that I wouldn't if it had merit or benefit

And we all connect in a way that makes us vulnerable
Even the thickest skin can shed if the right words are thrown around
But I'll just take my elusive clouds, live on them and watch the world's colors change
So don't forget me when I'm gone
Just know I am comfy on my cloud
And never too far away
My heaven clouds
Creating my own