the other night i dreamed my ex was trying to have sex with me. he was pulling me close to his chest. i kept squirming, but he wouldn't let me go. I tried to swallow, but instead i threw up ALL over him! kinda an amusing thing to wake up after. :)

Broken

This week a family friend died of cancer. She was like a mother to my little brother, and he is taking it super hard. My brother is 18. I got back from going to the after funeral last night. Having cried just with the thoughts of my brother losing a Mother to him. I have mentioned in my blog that my mother is not good at what she does and both Dylan and I have had our replacement mothers, though we love our biological mother. And his is gone. It breaks my heart for him. I plan on blogging about it at alittletalking... but this is a poem I wrote last night after everything was over. :)

Wishes that breathing came easier
That this whole world wasn't some jumbled mess
Could it make sense for even a moment

Why does it hurt so badly to show affections
before they can no longer be conveyed?
And the pain melts on me Like the colors of M&Ms

This is the time when I want to grab the next person I see and kiss them
Because you never know when it'll be your last
When all hope breaks loose
And you live life for this moment alone

My face is hot from crying
These useless tears
Because they fix nothing
They don't solve world hunger, they don't stop the world from spinning
And they don't bring you back
From the grave

So I throw my arms out, daring someone to grasp them
And fix this, fix the pain, fix anything!

Someone Else

Holding onto you
Where ever we are headed is okay with me
Waiting for your fingers to guide me
Through the forest, dank, dark

Touch me
Because that is all I need
To hear you breathe
I am complete

Shaded by your thoughts over me
Clinging to the release of your "happy"
More secure in your arms 'round me

Nicer like this, freer too
better than when we bicker
Just enjoy each other
In a new capacity
We haven't done before

And these are the words I long to say
Express
Feel
Endure
But they belong to someone else
You are still a legend I am telling
To whomever will listen

Dreamings

In my dream last night I was up at work. (I work at a local coffeeshop) And a girl kept ordering things we did not make. It was her birthday and I felt bad. The last thing she ordered was a coke smoothie. So I went to ask one of the managers, Nick, if he thought I could make it in the smoothie machine. He said it was worth a try, so I went to do that. (Oh and Sweet's had turned into an over sized warehouse.)

But as I walk back over there my bosses' wife motions me over to her. And standing next to her is a retty blonde girl. Who is supposed to be Avery their daughter (now in real life Avery is 2... in dreamland Avery is about 19, and kinda looks like Taylor Swift). She says to me, "Ashley we've decided to move up Avery's wedding date. What is the best way to let people know that?"

At first I can't think of anything, plus I'm still in contemplation of how to make a blended coke float in essence. I mention the wedding section of a newspaper. They look unconvinced. It's February in my dream. So I ask how soon they are pushing it up June wedding? May? I say if they can wait until April or May they could put it in the lifestyles section of the newspaper. They have a huge pullout section just for weddings. Could have a full page article.

My bosses' wife is exciting. Saying Aaron said they could send whatever on it. He mumbles, "I didn't say whatever..."

It flashes nearer to their wedding day. I am still at work.

Suddenly in my dream I feel very upset. Like I can't breathe. I start running down thsi long hall pulling off these black gloves. Feeling panicked. I find a room and rush into it. Throwing my back against it and start to cry. There is nothing in the room but dinge and concrete floors and walls. (kinda looked straight out of Hostel... but no weird torture devices)

Someone else tries to bust through - I yell I'm in here! But feel guilty for crying and keeping the room all to myself. So I open the door. And pretty Avery comes in. "Oh" she says... she looks uncomfortable. I ask her if she's okay. She nods and says she just, "Has nerves." She's in a simple, long, white lacy wedding dress. Her hair down, wavy with a tiara. I hate that I was acting so upset.

Then she crumbles to her knees, missing the trash can (the only thing in the room) and throwing up on the floor. (okay so it kinda reminded me of Shrek-snot) I ask her is she's okay... getting down beside her my hand on her back. She has missed her dress luckily. Se merely nods.

Then I realize. "Are you pregnant? Is that why you moved up the wedding? Oh honey."

"Seven weeks," she says.

I congratulate her and tell her she's going to be beautiful on her wedding day. And then get her up and we walk out of the nasty warehouse room.


I love how the locations of my dreams are so weird. lol* And how I'm always changing Sweet's looks. Last time it was in a sky-scraper and I was flying to the top that had a loft apartment. Last night it was a coffee shop slammed into a Hostel Warehouse. Odd girl.

Tragic

And it breaks my heart
To see you this way
Don't you know you are the music in my head?
And you take it so lightly

But I know every part of you hurts
And so tired you must be
And much too sensitive to deal with me

But there's so much more to me than all this bad luck
And i don't think you will ever see me
For more than a tragedy
I thought for a few months I was so strong
Now I see I was so, so wrong

And you're like a ray of sunshine
Beating up my world of grays
But you won't settle down to brighten up my entire world
Instead you leave me pining for more
And I wish I didn't give you this control

Beautiful, beautiful boy
Settle down for a moment
Give me your eye to eye
I love when you simply hold me
Even though I know it's not me who you see

Tragic
Not a pretty girl
Doesn't want to be a damsel
Not willing to sacrifice
A paper doll
Tinkerbelle
A scarf blowing in the wind
Still a sacrificial lamb off to the slaughter
Waiting for another wolf to grab her

And you, not her prince
But when I look you in the eyes and we come to an agreement
You could stand here and be my sweet frog
Who could even stand a happy ending?