Dad, Missed ~Me

When I think of you it makes me cry
Even after over a decade of you being gone
Your life held so many mysteries to me
Your death will never have those cleared up

And I loved you
Wonder now if I disappointed you
Or would you be proud I made it through without too many bruises

I wish I could've known you in some depth
Could I be a different person if you are still here
Answers left unsaid
Questions left just that, unanswered questions

You left so much behind, could you see it then
As you took your last breath
Was I there, was I ever there?
Somewhere in your mind did you question your decision
As you faded into the afterlife

And I loved you
I still do
You changed my world
But so young I had no idea
Wish for one more day to explain

Gone, gone, long gone
And I will never know you
I wish just to sit with you and talk some Hitler
Talk History, with the elusive man who gave me life
And then took his own

I have you in me
Your eyes, your quiet sensibilities, your reading technique
Your history love, Your fight or flight nature
We could've been allies
We could have had better ties

And I miss you
And I love you
I wish I could have you
One more day
Dad
One more day
To tell you, "Don't"
Dad

Escape and Trinket

Escape~
See this pot?
It could be a flower pot
Could be a lovely piece of pottery
Or it could be just another thing for you to piss on

Piss or get off my pot
Because I can't tell you how tired I am of waiting
To see where the holes in your jeans are
Are you a doer, or do you want it all done for you
Are there holes in the knees or on your seat

And you're a curious beast
When you're on the outside you only want in
When you're kept inside all you want is some escape
Escape into the big world of possibility
Escape into unimaginable beauty
And I can't selfishly just want you with me

Together neither of us win
But I can't seem to let go
Because without you have I anything?
Because without you would I say anything?

See this pot?
Clay, ceramic, chipped, perfect
I can't wait any longer for it to dry
So I think we all know what this means
Never make you happy
It's just another thing for you to piss on
And then move on
And then move on

Escape into the world of possibility
Escape into unimaginable beauty
Escape, escape from me
~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*
Trinket~
I leave the rest of this behind
Leather suitcase
I leave the keys on your side table
My toothbrush packed

And I wonder
Simply
How long it will take you to discover
Totally
That I am missing from your
Pristine
Life of completion

Will you notice my lotion is gone
Will you feel the bed is a little colder
Will you wonder about my razor

Will it be as though I never existed

I leave the rest of this behind
Never to return
Never to look into your crystal blue eyes again
Will I miss you? When I've left you?

Can I become a trophy antidote
For your little parties
A champagne toast
To the girl with most
Or least sense
Because who, who would leave you?

The box you kept me in
Though was shiny
It was a little cramped
Considering the vastness of this world

And I loved you for it
You confused me by it
Kept locked away
A party favor
A trinket

And now will it be as if your little toy never existed?
Is that what happens when little boys break it?
Or the newness wears off?
It just isn't fun anymore is it?

Were You Even There?

This is a little bit more hardcore than I am used to writing, but have gotten good feedback on it :) I can never decide if I really like it lol* I think part of it are awkward, but maybe that's the point...

Were You Even There?Neglected. Hated. Suffacated.
Rewind it to here for just a minute.
It's twisted and hurled, you're emasculated.
And I rented out to the wrong tenant.

But you keep me up nights in the hopes of you returning
Not only in flesh, but some of your confused head.
Because you write so well when you're under pressure.
And I know I need to take care of you better.

Chicken scratch on the apartment walls.
Were you aiming for escape?
Were you driven insane?
Was it you? Was it me?
Was it the nosy neighbor?
Was it that every night we had to kick the heater;
Or freeze our socks off?

Icy blues pierce my soul
But it's good to feel something
Love, hate, listen to you masturbate
These walls are so thin
And we're doing it again
Ignoring the hurt and writing the truth only when we're feeling cooked

Would I change it? Not if it meant losing you.
We're artists. And screw them if they don't understand.
We're moody. You're brilliant. We're clumsy. I'm morbid.
You move in painted strokes. I move like a flinging paintbrush - splattered on the walls.

Always said you'd be the first to go.
I would just linger.
Smelling your scent on your side of the covers.
Swearing I feel your weight sinking like when we were lovers.
But it's like evaporating water.
And it means nothing. And you don't actually mean anything.
Nothing more than the life I give you on paper.

And you're Tragic. Stubborn. Mystic. A Ninja.
A guide to the mapquest...
Experience.
And your laugh is left haunting.
A mocking. A taunting.
A chicken scratch tale on the wall
Cuz' we ran out of time and space.

Interesting Things Come in Three :)

These are my three latest pieces of poetry :)

In the Dark

There were small moments in time when the stories changed
The lullaby coming from mothers' lips no longer seemed to soothe the soul
And the turmoil was deep, and the stars were burning

I held on to the melting candle, ignoring the hot wax molding itself on my fingers
I peered into the darkness, not sure what I was looking for
Unsure of what I might see
But in me was peace
Cold, dark, comfortable peace
Making me shake and shiver
allowing my hair to curtain my face
for some kind of warmth

I was alert my body feeling on edge
Eyes amusedly darker than before
trying to focus on things more clearly
Trying to focus on you
But all I clearly remember is your scent
And the warmth of your touch

This beauty mark is the only thing left original of me
All of me has been stolen, twisted, buried, left ragged
One-fourth a person is left
Abandoned, not so whole, ragged
But still a mystery
That's what keeps them coming back to me

Your eyes are turning black with curiosity
Darker, darker now
But still beautiful
Making it so hard for me to concentrate on my wounds
Nothing but a simple distraction for me
In my times of much need
and I love the ring of your voice like bells

~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~

All in Vain

There's more time to do this later
Unless you just want to get this over
I'm not trying to rush you
Maybe this just can't be finished
Until we both move on

And the devil be damned
And I might just follow
But I am ready to be moving to the next portion of life
Stuck in this awful kind of limbo

But I target your irresistible sense of style
Making things move slowly in my mind
Like a picture so far away that you have to squint to see it
But there's so much more to it all

And I'm longing for some kind of light to dawn in your eyes
Some kind of change to come around
Am I waiting in vain, tell me I'm not waiting in vain

And the devil be damned
And I'm following after
Because I'm trying in vain
You won't tell me any different
I'm trying in vain
And you simply can't tell me any different

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Difference

I met her on the street
And her blue eyes stood on their own
They drew me in, before her words even rested on my ears
But as they reached me
And penetrated me
Because she had so much to say and I could only listen
No retort, just admiration

I tell her she has come at just the right moment
I could not have made it through today without her story
The wind carries our words through the flying newspapers
filled with tales of how America is going down
But she could make such a difference if anyone would listen
But with her hair uncombed in the coming rain
Who would take her seriously?

I met her on the street
We were both moving slowly
Both listening to Life tell us no
But she was already to the point of telling Life where to go
And I am on my track there
Just catch the first greyhound out of here
Follow her trailing words, her flowing crazy hair
Out of, so far out of here

I grabbed my longest skirt
Left my hair unbrushed
And walked out into the sweet smelling rain
Never coming back, not to that left to waste intrigue I called Normal

She came at just the right moment
Then disappeared into the world
And now I can't be sure her hippie bare feet
were anything more than a dream
She could make a difference if anyone would listen
But with her pierced and tattooed body
Who would take her seriously?