You Aren't My Friend.

I forgot the rubric to make a beautiful sound,
Because nothing here is beautiful anymore
I tried to capture my tears in a bottle
But the beer got in the way
And nothing brings delight
I just try and forget
Forget you, forget us
Forget that maybe

How did Cupid skip you and hit me right in the back
And I didn't see it coming, I think that's the worst part
No. The worst part is you acting like you don't give a fuck
That's the hardest part of this
That I could be left on the side of the road and you wouldn't come save me
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So back to the closet I go to get out my cape again
Cuz God forbid I take a break and let someone else save me for once
Who can you depend on if it isn't yourself.
And fuck grammar, and fuck rage
And fuck not finally getting what you want
And living for a fairy tale that doesn't want a white horse
To make their big entrance
The hero called Coward.

And I can't stay angry at you
Though, Christ, I really want to
I know you'll sweep into my world with a plastic smile
And I'll let you hurt my feelings again
Because I will never be that strong bitch I wanna be
I can never be more than easy, doormat, me

How can you lie so easily, how can you walk away from me without a scratch?
With that confident smile, of hey baby, we're just friends
You aren't my friend.
You aren't my enemy.
You are just a thing.
A fantasy.
A reminder that I can be hurt.
'And good riddance' my brain keeps telling me
But my heart screams, 'why'd you fuck up, girl?
You could have been all he ever needed
Now neither of you will ever know'

Like a bird I am just waiting to know where to build my nest
I want to be allowed to create something secure for an 'Us'
But where is my right suitor?
When I close my eyes you haunt my dreams
And even in dream you hurts me
Even in dream you treats me like a pity case
And you'll never be real with me
Because you're too busy pretending you have an impenetrable back
Fuck your carefree attitude
Fuck you. Yes, I said, Mister, fuck you

Of Old

Eyes as blue as the seas

You can take her at her word

Lips red like a rose in snow

Soft like a doe

Makes you think of a better time

Of old, of old

Her voice like velvet

It echoes truth

It cries in the night

She never forgets the words she hears

It haunts til morning light

Calming, the fears

Her step is light as a feather

She walks like a mist

Her breath leaves like a symphony

Burns you like a kiss

Hair carried in Sorrow's wind

No bliss, no bliss

Eyes as blue as the seas

It echoes the truth

Lips red like a rose in snow

She walks like a mist

Makes you think of a better time

Of old, of old

Soon she will disappear

No one will know

Where she leads a life of pure

Taken below

Into a cave where she sings all day

Of old, of old

Of old, of old

Sings the songs of Old

Buried with, of old

Train Poetry

The terminal is looking like a safe haven more and more
The train may pull in any minute
And I will breathe in the smoke from the coals
Ready to be carried away
Less and less I scan the crowd for you
Now I am only thinking about how in a minute's time I will be miles and miles from you

And you can stay with her
She can buy into your lies
She may hold you tight
On those lonely nights
But just try to get me off your mind
Just try to see yourself in another's eyes

I could move away across an ocean
I could live on the back of his hands
He'll carry me away from the noises
And in the seaside he'll be my man
But you'll walk through this life a-masked
Shame will follow your beaten path

And like an angel haunting your dreams
You'll miss me
You'll miss me
When you're consumed by me
You'll shutter at her touch

The terminal is looking like a safe haven more and more
The train may pull in any minute
And I will breathe in the smoke from the coals
Ready to be carried away
Less and less I scan the crowd for you
Now I am only thinking about how in a minute's time I will be miles and miles from you


~~~~~~

I'm playing my broken guitar while I wait for the train
Hoping to make a little cash
Before it rains
Before I carry this as far as it will take me
But who will hear my song
Who will cherish my song

I keep a candle lit near my knee
The burn reminds me how quickly everything can change
How when you lose something or someone it all becomes real
And the world can seem terrible
Or small, or close, far, or wrong
And are we all children in some unnamed god's eyes?
Or are we all peasants begging for just one more day of sun
And if there is an Ultimate, what would you give to find it?

And some would say they know me
Because the waif of my tiny body carries me with the wind
They think they could idolize me
Or understand me because of my life's walk
I seem like a disposable doll
One shoe missing, the other tattered and torn
Like money doesn't mean a thing to me
When homelessness means it all
I want something to call my own
Even if it's just a warm sock
Or a kind word, fallen from the lips of goddess
Whose warm glow keeps me safe lying against the tracks

A ghost haunting the night line
Lilac white covering my body
In moonlight
Basking in wisteria
Smelling of ivy draped in a ginger berry
Cooling in the summer's night heat

Gone

Did you remember closing the door
You left in such a hurry that day
And I was left bleeding
My heart no longer worth seeing
And I was left bleeding
In the room all alone

So take it back
All the words you hurled at my ceiling
Hold it back
To awaken my lost breathing
And I was left bleeding
My heart no longer worth feeling
Blinded to all reasoning
Because you were
You are gone

Did you remember walking down the drive
Back to your parked car
Still you left the engine on
And I was left bleeding
My heart no longer worth beating
Crying for unknown reasons
Because I was happy
You were gone

And I know your tune
You're waiting for me swoon
To beg you to return
I'd rather watch all of it burn

And I was left bleeding
Your heart no longer worth dreaming
Because you were a fallacy
And I am
Oh I am
I was glad you were gone
I'm still glad you are gone....

Odes Before This Too Shall Pass

Your eyes wandered from my face
And I played with the eggs on my plate
Thinking this wasn't how I remembered it
How I felt so comfortable
With only you there
As quiet as we had to be
And were the real wrongs with you or with me

Can you possibly miss me the way I am missing you
Or was I just more sentimental than you
I still have the mug I got you for your birthday sitting on my shelf
Waiting for you to come around

And I am moving on
Allowing the thin dust you placed on my shoulders
To be brushed away by his thumb
My tears to be soaked into his pillow
And is this how it feels to transfer love
Will I ever fully let go of you without sending you away completely
Because this pit yearns for you
And I feel so stupid for allowing this to happen to us
Our misplaced trust, the friendship built on lies
Because we couldn't admit our true feelings
Now you have her, and he has me,
But you still have me, do I still have a piece of you?
*******************************
And i breathe in the scent you left behind
holding on to that hole i have inside
because you couldn't do what i needed you to do
though i begged you to try
and i'm waiting for you to hurt me again
i'm almost baiting you
so i can crumble in front of you

waiting here again in this empty shell of a heart
hoping you might change your mind
and ask me to stay
and would i?
we've had so much time to decide
and we're still a million miles away
from home

and there was a time i'd drop it all
like a coin into a wishing well
like a goodbye kiss
blown to a lover on a departing train
tears would well if i gave them a chance
and i'm lost in the blame
running away from our mess

the pillow curls beneath my arms
i pretend it is you
and the heat from my body is pulling me into the mattress,
and maybe i'll sink so deep I never recover
and i'm lost in our dream
though it's all make believe
until there is nothing else of me
But a lowly ambushed scream

Ending

Goodbye
I imagine you holding onto a light
Guiding me into moon's beam
To say goodbye
And I see you just in the shadows
Dancing elusively
Singing your lost songs to me
Luring me further, until you disappear and I'm alone
Lost in the forest, no wolf eyes to guide me

When did I go blind
And lose the speechless grounds
We tread upon
Trampled leaves, crumpled
Lost in you
Beg the branches to consume me, as they consumed you
From me.
Left me
Abandoned.
All alone.
And how will we remain friends?